


I can sense it when you ly

by AndWeShallBeDamned



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cute, Cuts, Depressed!Sam, F/M, Help, I hate tagging, One-Shot, POV Sam Winchester, Reader Instert, Secrets, Self-Harm, Supernatural - Freeform, castiel can sense it when you ly, how do people do this, reader - Freeform, sam is depressed, secret, self hate, suicide thougths, you - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 08:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6188107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndWeShallBeDamned/pseuds/AndWeShallBeDamned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You have been hiding your secret pretty well, well that's until Castiel senses that something's wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can sense it when you ly

This takes place around 6.06.

 

’Sammy, you okay?’

 

‘Yeah, why wouldn’t I be.’ I said snapping out of my thoughts.

 

‘I don’t know, you just seemed distant, not really here.’

 

‘Well I am, and we should get back to the case. What did you say was happening again?’ I said a bit aggitated. Dean seemed to get the hint, and shut up.

 

‘There have been a lot of suicides in this litle town lately, and I think it could be our kind of thing.’

 

‘Okay, so do we have any ideas about what might be causing this?’

 

‘No, but I’m working on it. Why don’t you go and stop by the police station to check the bodies.’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ I said. ‘I’ll handle corpse duty.’ 

 

I got into my car, and dorve to the police station. When I got there I justs showed my badge and they let me in, just like always. God, I wish that sometimes it could just be different, not always hunting, killing; I don’t like this life, sure I got Dean, Samuel and Bobby and stuff, but I can’t tell them what is going on in my head, the would probably just tell me to grow up or to grow a pair.   
Truth is, I don’t like life in general, but nobody seems to notice. How could they? I don’t tell them anything, not about my thoughts, not about my scars or my time in the cage. It’s just my own stupid ass fault that nobody gives a crap.

In the mean time I got to the body and I looked at its wound. It was a simple thick red line around his neck from a rope, he hung himself. 

 

‘I’m going to need to see the other suicide bodies too’ I said to the pathologist.

 

‘That could be a slight problem.’ He said.

 

‘Why would that be a problem, have you transfered them already?’

 

‘No, they just kind of… disapeared I guess.’

 

Great, that’s just what I needed, disappearing bodies.

 

‘Well thanks anyway, we’ll be in touch’ I said while I walked out hte door.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When I got back at the motel, Dean was sitting on the edge of his bed, he looked tired and not really like himself.

 

‘Dean, are you okay? You look like you saw a ghost.’

 

‘No Sammy, I’m not okay. We need to talk.’

 

These were the words I have feared since Dean got back into the buisiness.

 

‘Okay’ I said as calm as possible ‘What do you want to talk about?’

 

‘You, Sammy, I want to talk about you. You have been quiet, and inactive and you don’t even seem to eat that rabit food of yours. What’s wrong Sammy? And don’t screw me with that I’m fine crap, ‘cause you aren’t fine, Sammy, I can see it. So tell me what the hell is wrong so that I can help.’

 

‘Stop calling me Sammy, he’s a chubby twelve year old.’ I said a bit more angry than I anticipated.

 

‘Damn it Sam, just anwser me, don’t beat around the bush. What is wrong?’ 

 

‘I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, I trully am fine.’

 

‘Bulshit Sam, don’t lie to me, I can see that there is something wrong and you are going to tell it to me.’

 

‘Dean believe me. there’s noth-’

 

‘Am I interupting something?’ I suddenly heard. ‘Well even if I was, this is more important.’

 

‘Cas, you have a fucked up timing’ Dean said with a growl.

 

‘No it’s okay’ I quikly said ‘You are not interupting anything Cas, because we were already done.’

 

‘No we weren’t, we are going to talk about his later Sam.’

 

‘What do you got Cas?’ I asked, ignoring Deans remark.

 

‘It seems that my good friend Balthazar has found a lead on god, he walks the earth, but he wants to rest. So I have decided to give him that rest, and that I will be joining you two for the next few months.’

 

That could not have been a worse timing, ofcourse Cas would notice when Sam was in emotional distress, or in pain. This was not good. I started to feel the now familiar feeling of panic rising up from my chest, and expanding to the rest of my body. I tried to stay calm and relax. Just breathe, I thought to myself, if you just breathe, they won’t notice. But ofcourse Cas did.

 

‘Are you okay Sam, you seem to be hurt, emotionaly and physical. shall I heal you?’

 

‘No. it’s okay really, it’s just a scratch and I’m just worried about were the bodies of our case have gone. Nothing to wory about.’

 

‘You do know that lying is a sin, and therefor I can sense it when somebody lies, and you are lying right now. Tell me the truth.’ Castiell said with a firm, but gentle voice.

Fuck, I thought, they are going to find out, and when the do they are going to leave me. They will think I am worthless, a coward, sick. The panic grew inside of me and I started to breathe heavy. Cas walked towards me.

 

‘Just let me heal the wounds on your arms.’

 

‘Wounds? as in plural?’ Dean asked with concern in his voice ‘I thought you said it was just one little scratch?’

 

‘It is,’ I tried, but Cas cut me of.

 

‘Just let me heal you, sam. Why won’t you let me heal you?’

 

‘Damnit Sam, talk to us, or I will hold you down and lift your sleeves so that Cas can heal you.’

 

‘No,’ I whispered ‘You can’t do that, please don’t, just please,’

but Dean was already heading towards me, and I didn’t have the strenght to fight back, I didn’t want to anymore, I was so tired of fighting, againts monsters, lucifer and even fighting against myself.

 

‘Please don’t hate me.’ I said before Dean yanked my sleeves up and uncovered my arms. I could here him gasp for air at this awfull sight.   
‘Please don’t hate me.’ I said again, knowing it wouldn’t work, but I could try.

 

‘Why would we hate you?’’ Cas asked in his calming voice 

 

‘Because i failed at everything, I’m hideous, I have to hurt myself in order to even feel alive! now tell me that that isn’t repulsive! You can’t, you know why not, because it is the truth! I am hideous and pathetic and you hate me!’ I said with a much firmer voice then before.

 

everyone was quiet for a while, and then Cas spoke:’I don’t think that you’re hideous, Sam, I think you’re beautifull, but that you are just to focussed on the bad things to see it.’ Cas said while making the face that he does when he’s thinking really hard.

‘I think we can help you get better.’

 

‘But I don’t want to, I want to die, Cas, I don’t want to live in this world.’ I said.

 

´I have to ask,´ Dean said with a lump in his throat, ´When we were in heaven, and Zacharia said to you that it was nice meeting you there again-’ Dean had to swallow his lump down inorder to continue ‘Have you tried to kill yourself before, Sam?’

 

And there it was, the question Sam feared most. But he was going to be honest.

‘Yes, I have. I couldn’t take it anymore after you had gone to hell. I tried to kill myself several times actually. But they kept bringing me back into this suck-ass life with no one around to love except a fucking demon! and she didn’t even love me! I tried to swallow all the bleach I could find, I tried to slit my wrists, I tried to shoot myself. But they just brought me back every single fucking time.’ I realised what I said and I started to panic again. I di’dn’t mean to say all of that, now they would never let this go.

 

‘It’s okay, Sam,’ Dean said ‘I’m here now, and I am going to make you better, even if it is the last thing i will do. Cas and I are going to help you. and it’s going to be fine, you’re going to be fine.’ 

Dean wrapped his arms around me, and for the first time in a long, long time, I truly felt safe. And I cried. I cried until the sun came up, and when I was done, I promised that I would never try to kill myself again. I promised that I would talk to them when something was wrong, and I did.   
And yes, there had been times when I felt like I wasn’t worth fighting for, but they noticed and loved me when I needed it most.   
It was a long way to recovery, but I had my family to help me get to the end.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story that I post here, and I hope you guys liked it. If you like it, leave some kudos :)


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